Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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