Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize