if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The air was thick with penises
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
