Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
