I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
