he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
