I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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