gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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