I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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