Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
