I just pynch a tree in the face
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
