thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize