We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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