Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
