Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
