Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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