I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
