I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
