ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
