I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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