college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
