Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
