Just fell off a train. Bad.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
