I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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