): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
