Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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