I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
