He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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