Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
