The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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