why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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