last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
