I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
