I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
