Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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