im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i wish my penis had a tongue
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
