38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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