Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
