all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
