Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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