Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
