my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
