Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
