So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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