Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize