I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
