So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this just has baby written all over it
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
