There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I need to calm my uterus...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
