Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
