I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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