so that wasnt chicken after all
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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