Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
