Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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