Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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