Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
