just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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