I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
