I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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